This is not going to be my usual style post. You will get anything new out of it. It's not about spiritual lessons or how to do certain things. This post tells you what I have been going through emotionally.
I have been falling away in the dark. Sometimes it seems as if I am on the crash course into an abyss. Other days look like I am in a darkest room. Emotionally, I am at a state of a despair, wondering why the Lord still has me on this planet. Too often I am pleading with the Lord to take me away. Most of my days I carry a heavy pain in my stomach and chest. It feels as if I were carrying lead ingots.
You know the worst part, the pain gets worse after I return from church or the Bible Study. It doesn't get worse when I read Bible at home or watch devotional videos.
I don't know what's going on. I honestly confessed every single sin that I could think of , to the Lord. At this point I believe that I might walk away from God within next 1-2 years. I don't want to do that, but it seems as if this might be the only choice I have. The worst part was when I shared my spiritual state with someone at church, that person is involved into many ministries, The individual told me that if I walk away from church, that will indicate the void of my salvation and I will go to hell. I asked about prodigal son, and the person replied that the prodigal son was never saved until he came back to the father. Needless to say, my heart became so heavy that I went to my place and wept.
My current prayer can be summarized in the next sentence. GOD GET ME OUT OF THIS.
I go to bed at night in order to alleviate my pain, albeit temporary. I cannot fall asleep soon enough. I lay down thinking about many things.
For the past little while I had a re-occurring dream in which I am being betrayed by my two friends. I am not going to go to details. I cry after waking up from the dream every single time.
I don't understand how our Lord can use me in the state I am in now. When this will be over.
I tend to complain about my situation: away from the family, single, don't have a job related to my educational background, problematic health, and uncertainty in every area of the life.
I know that I have to trust God that I will be out of the situation.
Some say that it's my fault. If I had stronger faith, it would never happen to me. Honestly I have been in this situation for several years now. Do you think that my faith wasn't strong then? Some say, "Get over it, everyone is going through challenges," that alone makes me to want to run away from church and to leave church. I believe that we have too many people who judge and not helping.
Dearest Irina,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your honest and transparent sharing. (Sanae and I replied to your comment on my blog. When you have time, please come to read them:)
I read your shaing carefully and very seriously. And I accept all of them as it came out from the depths of your heart. Sanae and I are so saddened to hear that some Christians say something unmerciful things to their fellow Christians.
I remembered when I was in Japan temporarily, I joined one Christian retreat orgnized by one Protestant church. To my dismay, in that church, several sisters judged me orally, saying that since you cannot even evangelize your own family, you don't have right to be a missionary overseas etc..After this terrible retreat, I cried and cried at home.
Irina, we pray that He will guide you a new path. And I will tell you that all of these experiences (including this blog post) will be treasure for countless suffering souls who have gone through difficulties and darkness. Who can show real compassion and love to someone who says he/she is in the abyss of despair, when we have never experienced such things?
Irina, I have a favor of you. If it is possible, would you continue to write the sharing posts like this? We are here and we want to be near your heart.
with love,
Kinuko
Kinuko, I will do those posts indeed. Thank you so much for the encouragement.
DeleteI am sorry abut your experience.
In Christ,
Irina
Yesterday reading Kinuko's post,I noticed your comment which astonished me so much.Knowing the detail of your recent situation reading here,I feel how many christins who should be supporters of suffering ones say what they want irresponsibly.Some people says that they love Jesus,but dislike christians so much 'cause of this.
ReplyDeleteAs I wrote in my comment left in Kinuko's blog,I wish that you can go back to Russia to have time with your family loving you.Where love is,there is God also.And you can share your faith with them.
Belonging to church is not solution.Some says that there is no relief outside churches. I do not agree with the opinion,they should say that 'no relief but Jesus' if they want to.And if we christians hurt somebody in trials by words(in the name of God),He will ask our responsibilities.
I think that most important thing is to be true.I thank you that you always tell us about you truly.So that we can pray for you!
I think if God ask us go out from where we are,we have to obey to go to where He hope.Belonging to church should be result of His leading.
Irina,God be with you always.Do not count on uncertain people.Now I feel the meaning of that we knew you and listen to your story.Obviously He ask me to pray for you.
I will pray for you.
Sanae
Sanae, thank you so much for you encouragement. Thank you for prayers.
DeleteIrina