I am Falling Away in the Dark

First, I would like to apologize to all my readers, whether you check my blog regularly or a new guest for not writing regularly. I usually post two times a month. This year I did one post for January and the current post is for February.
This is not going to be my usual style post. You will get anything new out of it. It's not about spiritual lessons or how to do certain things. This post tells you what I have been going through emotionally.
I have been falling away in the dark. Sometimes it seems as if I am on the crash course into an abyss. Other days look like I am in a darkest room. Emotionally, I am at a state of a despair, wondering why the Lord still has me on this planet. Too often I am pleading with the Lord to take me away. Most of my days I carry a heavy pain in my stomach and chest. It feels as if I were carrying lead ingots.
You know the worst part, the pain gets worse after I return from church or the Bible Study. It doesn't get worse when I read Bible at home or watch devotional videos.