First, I would like to apologize to all my readers, whether you check my blog regularly or a new guest for not writing regularly. I usually post two times a month. This year I did one post for January and the current post is for February.
This is not going to be my usual style post. You will get anything new out of it. It's not about spiritual lessons or how to do certain things. This post tells you what I have been going through emotionally.
I have been falling away in the dark. Sometimes it seems as if I am on the crash course into an abyss. Other days look like I am in a darkest room. Emotionally, I am at a state of a despair, wondering why the Lord still has me on this planet. Too often I am pleading with the Lord to take me away. Most of my days I carry a heavy pain in my stomach and chest. It feels as if I were carrying lead ingots.
You know the worst part, the pain gets worse after I return from church or the Bible Study. It doesn't get worse when I read Bible at home or watch devotional videos.
I don't know what's going on. I honestly confessed every single sin that I could think of , to the Lord. At this point I believe that I might walk away from God within next 1-2 years. I don't want to do that, but it seems as if this might be the only choice I have. The worst part was when I shared my spiritual state with someone at church, that person is involved into many ministries, The individual told me that if I walk away from church, that will indicate the void of my salvation and I will go to hell. I asked about prodigal son, and the person replied that the prodigal son was never saved until he came back to the father. Needless to say, my heart became so heavy that I went to my place and wept.
My current prayer can be summarized in the next sentence. GOD GET ME OUT OF THIS.
I go to bed at night in order to alleviate my pain, albeit temporary. I cannot fall asleep soon enough. I lay down thinking about many things.
For the past little while I had a re-occurring dream in which I am being betrayed by my two friends. I am not going to go to details. I cry after waking up from the dream every single time.
I don't understand how our Lord can use me in the state I am in now. When this will be over.
I tend to complain about my situation: away from the family, single, don't have a job related to my educational background, problematic health, and uncertainty in every area of the life.
I know that I have to trust God that I will be out of the situation.
Some say that it's my fault. If I had stronger faith, it would never happen to me. Honestly I have been in this situation for several years now. Do you think that my faith wasn't strong then? Some say, "Get over it, everyone is going through challenges," that alone makes me to want to run away from church and to leave church. I believe that we have too many people who judge and not helping.